I’M HAPPY!!!!!!!!
I’M DIVORCED!!!!!!!!!!
I’M GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve met someone awesome too.
This blog fulfilled this purpose, but if you still care of what I have to say:
http://reelizations.wordpress.com/
Online Dating: A Perspective on Digital Connections
February 1st, the date I filed for divorce and left the timing up to the courts, I joined an online dating site. A friend of mine was already on the site at my urging as a trial basis for meeting people and learning how to do that. I dived right in.
However there had been some complications in my thought processes.
Every person I talked to was someone I messaged first. All the guys that had contacted me had been complete mismatches, didn’t understand what I wanted, or just wanted to compliment me and hope that got them points.
But I WANT to be pursued! I felt like once again, I was doing all my own work, and whether or not it was biology, I wanted a guy to prove that he wanted me enough to go out with me. It was something I resented having to do my own talking and messaging in order to get attention from the guys I wanted to go out with. It didn’t feel good. I got disgruntled. I almost went on a date with someone who was a fairly crazy guy, and he turned out to me emotionally needy when I told him I didn’t want to go out anymore.
This all was a disaster! I’m great online! I know how to communicate online! Why on earth was this so hard for me?
My friend had found different types of success; at least in my point of view. She saw herself as worse off than me.
I want a guy that is willing to prove himself. That was made clear after I realized that all my last boyfriends didn’t have to do anything to earn me. That changed now.
But I still have to message. And since I’ve messaged I’ve found some good guys.
I’d even met one! I wouldn’t call it a date. The person could talk online all day but didn’t have a lot to say to me in person. That meant me filling up the silence, but also overtalking. He enjoyed himself somehow and still talks to me. At the end of the date he acted like he was going to hug me but thought better of it. I think shyness played a huge part in that, but he’s a good guy and I want to play some board games with him sometime. We’re just on different wavelengths.
Tonight, I have an actual date, not a meeting. He cannot flirt for the life of him, but he is very clear that he is in to be my the thousands of time a day he checks my profile. However, I have a strong suspicion he is talking to 1 if not 2 others based on the fact he repeats himself, he isn’t sure what he’s told me, etc etc. It is his right to do so as it is mine. However, I think if you are going to ask someone out to dinner and maybe a drink afterwards, you devote time and attention mainly to that one person for a couple days. Tell the other’s you are suddenly busy and you’ll talk to them on Sunday to see if the date bombs or not.
I don’t plan on bombing. I actually like this one. His lack of exposure to alternative ideas is my type of playground. It would be a very good type of exploratory relationship.
The first guy I went out with was a Taurus. He fit that bill completely. This new guy is a Capricorn, but a true Capricorn, not that messy odd needy kind like my ex husband was.
Where are my fire signs!? Oh wait, they don’t need online dating; they’re out screwing everything already.
Digital connections are still connections. I just might need to finetune some things to get it working in my favor. I have a lot of lurkers on my profile. Something must scare them off about messaging me.
Oh yeah, that part where I’m fabulous and brilliant. That could be intimidating.
I’m a powerful presence, but it doesn’t hurt to be wanted or hunted. Hopefully someone out there is brave enough.
Weekend Update (For the Month Since I Last Posted!)
It is an obscene amount of time since I’ve posted! This means only one thing…
I’m way too busy to have deep thoughts.
But lo and behold I have had deep thoughts! I’ve just been really busy trying to fit them all into a box.
I can keep up from here:
The BURNING QUESTION: How’s the ol’ love life? How’s the divorce goin’? As facebook reminds everyone, It’s Complicated. The divorce is in. We are waiting on the court system to bang the gavel. I can’t wait! I’ve joined the online dating site and had some success! I’ll be expanding on that in near future posts. I’m happy and comfortable and it is all good.
How’s School Going Reebit?: I’m going to punch people in the face. Metaphorically. Mostly because Mario and Goombas took this urge out of me. This will also be the subject of a post.
Well, okay… How is the ol’ job hunt/internship stuff going?: My internship isn’t going to kill me, and the job hunt is delayed due to even more budget cuts. But yay for networking!
I can honestly say, I’m healed. And that is the best part. I don’t have to post about all the awful feelings and fear anymore. I came, I saw, I conquered.
And I’m on the hunt.
What I Really Want–Redux
Someone willing to love thunderstorms is a bonus…
I had a page at the top of this blog called: What I Really Want. Here is what I put on that page sometime in August:
“I’ve been inspired to do this for me, but I want to share anyway. I am thinking of the type of guy or things I want in my next relationship or guy or whatever. Maybe this will help me when I finally put up my online dating profile or when I can’t decide something.
So Far I Want…..
A guy that wants to slow dance with me. Where he’d hold me close and kiss my forehead and say “this song is about you.”"
Okay… That was it! My whole entire reflection/project. That was because I was too wrapped up in everything else and too far away from dating to understand.
I’m one week from filing for divorce. I’ve also had life changing experiences in the love/dating arena…
I fell INCREDIBLY UNDENIABLY hard for someone that I still care about but am not in love with anymore. Someone who showed me how to fall in love again, but unfortunately, feelings on his side have been pretty unrequited. But I know and I understand now. Maybe that was all he was here to teach me for… but one day I hope there is a chance for us to be together. If not, that’s okay. He is such an incredible friend I wouldn’t have gotten through the past year without him. [He doesn't read this, well, he has given me 0 indication that he does, but it has helped me to define this part of my life, so I have to talk about it.]
He showed me what I want and what I like in guys.
What I Want in A Guy:
To Be Himself
[And maybe some proof of higher level thinking.]
Preferences:
Artsy in some form
Reads
Is good in many things I am not
Tries to understand my world as I try to understand his
Someone who likes to express himself
A thinker, doer, or both
Likes Sports
Is a good friend
Is open to new ideas
Likes to play games of any type
That we have lots of things in common
A partner in adventure
I don’t want to look for a clone of that friend of mine, or find someway to replace him. That’s impossible. Instead I will find a guy who knows himself.
Friendzone or Battlezone? A Perspective on Friends and Benefits
All we need are these three things.
Ack! This is turning into a relationship blog, but I have to say, it is more and more of what I’m seeing and thinking about as I get closer to my actual divorce.
A note: I am notorious for unlocking guys out of the friendzone. If you are my friend first, there is an AMAZING chance if you want to be with me you will eventually be with me. I have never dated someone I didn’t know for at least 1 full month, normally I know A LOT about them, and we have hung out several times and yeah, then I eventually cross that line. But it can take awhile. For example, my soon to be ex husband. Friend for 4 years, meet after graduation, he kinda grows on me, and BAM we’re married 3 years later.
In my introspection about my entire romantic life, I realized something. All of my relationships were never actually dating, except for a couple random here and there typical dates. Because my dating life has been almost entirely in the friendzone, I wanted to explore some perks and ideas.
The Perks and Benefits of Dating Inside the Friendzone
I was talking to a friend of mine when I realized, “I haven’t been on too many dates, it’s usually been we hang out and eventually have sex.” Several perks are found in this sentence. Comfort Level: You know the person and have developed trust with this person. Hence, the physical benefits are based on a more secure ground. Also, getting to know the person helps you decide if you really like them at the core of who they are, and that’s what most people want out of a relationship right? Why date around when you have great people right there that you enjoy being around?
However, dating friends, at least in my experience, has been when you want a good relationship, not when you want to screw around, or want the rush, or any other chemical that has a better chance of being brought out by a perfect stranger.
Friends with Benefits
Friends with benefits is a popular thing amongst us younger people, however I’ve never been a big fan. If you don’t have feelings, the physical to me feels like married being physical. You go your separate ways, hang out and play MarioKart or have some type of psuedo-dating thing going on. It exactly seems like a normal relationship to me, because I like doing all those things. But having tried this before, there aren’t enough chemicals to keep me completely interested. Then things get super complicated and you worry about developing feelings and before you know it you’ve lost a friend. Or something completely disastrous happens. If you can sustain this type of relationship, that’s awesome, but I know its not for me.
I’ve been too long without chemicals and dating within the friendzone is completely why.
I’ve been after RELATIONSHIPS. This is not a bad thing at all, however I’ve completely missed half the fun of dating. You meet someone, you have chemistry, you eventually turn that chemistry into a friendship/relationship, and then BOOM you’re one of those happy perky couples most people hate, canoodling in the movie theater or at Starbucks.
And then you worry about the future and whether or not you want to be with that person.
Dating within the friendzone is more about convenience and compatibility than it is about discovering new people and new things about yourself.
You don’t learn vulnerability. You don’t learn about how to discover depth in another person. You don’t learn to deal with insecurity. You don’t learn at all.
Hence why, I’m going to make a point to head into the battlezone–The dating world full of strangers and flaws and insecurity.
Your friends are there to comfort you as you wade your way into the wilderness, not to be the wilderness themselves.
It’s okay to practice on them a little bit, if you have little experience, but I’m closer to 30 than 20, and I should be done with practicing.
Your friends give you faith in yourself, hope for your happiness, and love you for who you are.
A perfect stranger hopes to be with you, loves you based on chemicals, and with a little faith can open up depths of you and themselves.
Gear up! It’s countdown to battle. Are you in solider?
My Inner Goddesses and Their “Love” Effects
I’m at the point where I just need to explain something about me. I have two very distinct sides that are sometimes are at odds at each other.
It is best described as my two Guardians. Athena and Inanna. These goddesses are my lessons, my role models, and what I want to be. Thrown in the mix was my marriage as a Persephone experience, in order to fully invoke these influences in my life. For those of you who are unexposed to mythology, allow me to explain.
Athena is the Greek Goddess of Wisdom, Knowledge, and all these other awesome things. She’s a teacher and the name MENTOR was created after her as a guide in Homer’s Odyssey. When it comes to love, she brings me back to calm rationality and keeps my obsessions in check. She tells me to not lose my head when I give my heart away…
However, she is drowned out by Inanna, The Sumerian Goddess Of Love, Sex, War, Weather, and her priestesses were sacred prostitutes. Neat huh? For such a genuinely conservative person in my sexuality this was surprising even to me. It is constantly there to remind me how powerful I can truly be in this arena, though I don’t give myself the credit I deserve. I guess that Athenian Humility comes through a bit… I just get inspired by her constant passion and demands and she can act like a spoiled brat in the love arena. She’s not afraid to ask for what she wants. She almost always gets it, and when she doesn’t she literally destroys mountains until her will is given.
When I am in love, I am intense, passionate, hyperobservant, hypersenstive, over -the moon, can’t-eat, can’t sleep, doesn’t want to, major league type of connection and desire.
When I WANT to be in love, I’m very much a combination of cerebral and passionate, though I don’t really know how to flirt, I just say clever things and try to make the guys laugh, WHICH by the way, I am very very good at. I also tend to primp a little as is natural, but that’s the only social more I understand.
Right now though, I’m straddling a tightrope between both personalities.
Athena tells me to wait until my divorce is final to put up that online dating profile. [I'm 1-2 months away from the final finalization] I’m NO WAY near ready for anything serious, I just need a couple of test drives. Athena tells me to be smart, and maybe even wait a little longer, that its okay to flirt with guys I don’t want to be with as long as I don’t fall completely under. Athena tells me that it shouldn’t be a focus of mine…
But Inanna keeps….well, winning! She’s like GET OUT THERE! BE STRONG! YOU HAVE SO MUCH CHARISMA NOW! [Because she's the type to yell and be awesomely obnoxious at it...] She tells me to just jump in! She tells me to don’t worry about what anyone thinks and to just do what I want to do! She also has amplified my “Guys that actually exist vision” so I have started to notice A LOT more males. Apparently I had awful blinders on that didn’t have any reaction to anyone.
But both of these are in light of Persephone. She was the young Greek goddess of beauty that was forced to Marry Hades and ate pomegranates and stuff, and was used to describe why 6 months of Greek weather is awesome, while 6 months suck. [I don't believe that, All Greek weather must be awesome.] She spends 6 months in literal Hell and gets out of it. I am to learn of her story. I am to know that I got out of hell, and because of the legal system I don’t have to go back to Hades. I can stay in the summer without any problems. I am light and beauty and vision and I can fully embrace this.
But whomever is next up to the plate better tread easy… I’m full of Wisdom and Passion and Intensity.
I am a Scorpio after all… My life wouldn’t be complete without at least 1 Persephone experience.
That profile is not going up until at least February 1st. Athena won that battle.
So, in the words of my favorite opening of all time…. when it comes to love… “Awww here it goes!”
