Posts tagged divorce

What I Really Want–Redux

January 27, 2013 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , ,

Someone willing to love thunderstorms is a bonus...

Someone willing to love thunderstorms is a bonus…

I had a page at the top of this blog called: What I Really Want. Here is what I put on that page sometime in August:

“I’ve been inspired to do this for me, but I want to share anyway.  I am thinking of the type of guy or things I want in my next relationship or guy or whatever. Maybe this will help me when I finally put up my online dating profile or when I can’t decide something.

So Far I Want…..

A guy that wants to slow dance with me. Where he’d hold me close and kiss my forehead and say “this song is about you.””

Okay… That was it! My whole entire reflection/project.  That was because I was too wrapped up in everything else and too far away from dating to understand.

I’m one week from filing for divorce. I’ve also had life changing experiences in the love/dating arena…

I fell INCREDIBLY UNDENIABLY hard for someone that I still care about but am not in love with anymore. Someone who showed me how to fall in love again, but unfortunately, feelings on his side have been pretty unrequited. But I know and I understand now. Maybe that was all he was here to teach me for… but one day I hope there is a chance for us to be together. If not, that’s okay. He is such an incredible friend I wouldn’t have gotten through the past year without him. [He doesn’t read this, well, he has given me 0 indication that he does, but it has helped me to define this part of my life, so I have to talk about it.]

He showed me what I want and what I like in guys.

What I Want in A Guy:

To Be Himself
[And maybe some proof of higher level thinking.]

Preferences:

Artsy in some form
Reads
Is good in many things I am not
Tries to understand my world as I try to understand his
Someone who likes to express himself
A thinker, doer, or both
Likes Sports
Is a good friend
Is open to new ideas
Likes to play games of any type
That we have lots of things in common
A partner in adventure

I don’t want to look for a clone of that friend of mine, or find someway to replace him. That’s impossible. Instead I will find a guy who knows himself.

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Friendzone or Battlezone? A Perspective on Friends and Benefits

January 22, 2013 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

All we need are these three things.

All we need are these three things.

Ack! This is turning into a relationship blog, but I have to say, it is more and more of what I’m seeing and thinking about as I get closer to my actual divorce.

A note: I am notorious for unlocking guys out of the friendzone. If you are my friend first, there is an AMAZING chance if you want to be with me you will eventually be with me. I have never dated someone I didn’t know for at least 1 full month, normally I know A LOT about them, and we have hung out several times and yeah, then I eventually cross that line. But it can take awhile. For example, my soon to be ex husband. Friend for 4 years, meet after graduation, he kinda grows on me, and BAM we’re married 3 years later.

In my introspection about my entire romantic life, I realized something.  All of my relationships were never actually dating, except for a couple random here and there typical dates. Because my dating life has been almost entirely in the friendzone, I wanted to explore some perks and ideas.

The Perks and Benefits of Dating Inside the Friendzone

I was talking to a friend of mine when I realized, “I haven’t been on too many dates, it’s usually been we hang out and eventually have sex.” Several perks are found in this sentence.  Comfort Level: You know the person and have developed trust with this person. Hence, the physical benefits are based on a more secure ground. Also, getting to know the person helps you decide if you really like them at the core of who they are, and that’s what most people want out of a relationship right? Why date around when you have great people right there that you enjoy being around?

However, dating friends, at least in my experience, has been when you want a good relationship, not when you want to screw around, or want the rush, or any other chemical that has a better chance of being brought out by a perfect stranger.

Friends with Benefits

Friends with benefits is a popular thing amongst us younger people, however I’ve never been a big fan. If you don’t have feelings, the physical to me feels like married being physical. You go your separate ways, hang out and play MarioKart or have some type of psuedo-dating thing going on. It exactly seems like a normal relationship to me, because I like doing all those things. But having tried this before, there aren’t enough chemicals to keep me completely interested. Then things get super complicated and you worry about developing feelings and before you know it you’ve lost a friend.  Or something completely disastrous happens. If you can sustain this type of relationship, that’s awesome, but I know its not for me.

I’ve been too long without chemicals and dating within the friendzone is completely why.

I’ve been after RELATIONSHIPS. This is not a bad thing at all, however I’ve completely missed half the fun of dating. You meet someone, you have chemistry, you eventually turn that chemistry into a friendship/relationship, and then BOOM you’re one of those happy perky couples most people hate, canoodling in the movie theater or at Starbucks.

And then you worry about the future and whether or not you want to be with that person.

Dating within the friendzone is more about convenience and compatibility than it is about discovering new people and new things about yourself.

You don’t learn vulnerability. You don’t learn about how to discover depth in another person. You don’t learn to deal with insecurity. You don’t learn at all.

Hence why, I’m going to make a point to head into the battlezone–The dating world full of strangers and flaws and insecurity.

Your friends are there to comfort you as you wade your way into the wilderness, not to be the wilderness themselves.

It’s okay to practice on them a little bit, if you have little experience, but I’m closer to 30 than 20, and I should be done with practicing.

Your friends give you faith in yourself, hope for your happiness, and love you for who you are.

A perfect stranger hopes to be with you, loves you based on chemicals, and with a little faith can open up depths of you and themselves.

Gear up! It’s countdown to battle. Are you in solider?

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My Inner Goddesses and Their “Love” Effects

January 15, 2013 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I’m at the point where I just need to explain something about me. I have two very distinct sides that are sometimes are at odds at each other.

It is best described as my two Guardians. Athena and Inanna. These goddesses are my lessons, my role models, and what I want to be. Thrown in the mix was my marriage as a Persephone experience, in order to fully invoke these influences in my life. For those of you who are unexposed to mythology, allow me to explain.

Athena is the Greek Goddess of Wisdom, Knowledge, and all these other awesome things. She’s a teacher and the name MENTOR was created after her as a guide in Homer’s Odyssey. When it comes to love, she brings me back to calm rationality and keeps my obsessions in check. She tells me to not lose my head when I give my heart away…

However, she is drowned out by Inanna, The Sumerian Goddess Of Love, Sex, War, Weather, and her priestesses were sacred prostitutes. Neat huh? For such a genuinely conservative person in my sexuality this was surprising even to me. It is constantly there to remind me how powerful I can truly be in this arena, though I don’t give myself the credit I deserve. I guess that Athenian Humility comes through a bit… I just get inspired by her constant passion and demands and she can act like a spoiled brat in the love arena.  She’s not afraid to ask for what she wants. She almost always gets it, and when she doesn’t she literally destroys mountains until her will is given.

When I am in love, I am intense, passionate, hyperobservant, hypersenstive, over -the moon, can’t-eat, can’t sleep, doesn’t want to, major league type of connection and desire.

When I WANT to be in love, I’m very much a combination of cerebral and passionate, though I don’t really know how to flirt, I just say clever things and try to make the guys laugh, WHICH by the way, I am very very good at. I also tend to primp a little as is natural, but that’s the only social more I understand.

Right now though, I’m straddling a tightrope between both personalities.

Athena tells me to wait until my divorce is final to put up that online dating profile. [I’m 1-2 months away from the final finalization] I’m NO WAY near ready for anything serious, I just need a couple of test drives. Athena tells me to be smart, and maybe even wait a little longer, that its okay to flirt with guys I don’t want to be with as long as I don’t fall completely under. Athena tells me that it shouldn’t be a focus of mine…

But Inanna keeps….well, winning! She’s like GET OUT THERE! BE STRONG! YOU HAVE SO MUCH CHARISMA NOW! [Because she’s the type to yell and be awesomely obnoxious at it…] She tells me to just jump in! She tells me to don’t worry about what anyone thinks and to just do what I want to do! She also has amplified my “Guys that actually exist vision” so I have started to notice A LOT more males. Apparently I had awful blinders on that didn’t have any reaction to anyone.

But both of these are in light of Persephone. She was the young Greek goddess of beauty that was forced to Marry Hades and ate pomegranates and stuff, and was used to describe why 6 months of Greek weather is awesome, while 6 months suck. [I don’t believe that, All Greek weather must be awesome.] She spends 6 months in literal Hell and gets out of it.   I am to learn of her story. I am to know that I got out of hell, and because of the legal system I don’t have to go back to Hades. I can stay in the summer without any problems. I am light and beauty and vision and I can fully embrace this.

But whomever is next up to the plate better tread easy… I’m full of Wisdom and Passion and Intensity.

I am a Scorpio after all… My life wouldn’t be complete without at least 1 Persephone experience.

That profile is not going up until at least February 1st. Athena won that battle.

So, in the words of my favorite opening of all time…. when it comes to love… “Awww here it goes!”

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A Letter to December 15th

December 15, 2012 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , ,

The NC Foothills. It was a beautiful and perfect day.

The NC Foothills. It was a beautiful and perfect day.

This day last year, December 15th 2011, I made a life transforming decision. On my 7 month wedding anniversary I told my husband I wanted a divorce.

The reasoning doesn’t matter. There was no trust left. There was nothing to save. We decided to spend the holidays apart, and that solidified my decision. This time last year I was very afraid of what was to come. but time does what it does and moves on, taking you with it.

I would have never guessed my future would have been as bright as it is.   Thank you, all of you, for the support.

Dear December 15th:

Thank you. I will always remember you as the day I summoned my inner strength, whatever was left of my crushed being, and stayed true to myself. On your day i put my faith in myself to do what was right by me. I have gotten through this.

Tell December 16th I am sorry for crying so much. But also thank you for having the nicest people at that high school that helped keep me sane. They were very gentle and that was exactly what I needed. I waited until I had gotten home but I just decided that it was time.

Thank you to December 17th as well, as it was a weekend. That weekend I made my intentions very clear, and I saw Blue who helped set me right.

I hated the paper due that day December 15th, but I don’t blame you for that.

Love, Reebit

I spent today at a vineyard sipping wine and buying pre-euro coins and crystal points. I stared at the mountains and loved every minute of it. I’m well on my way to being fully happy.

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Poison and Chocolate Encounter #18

December 1, 2012 · Filed under Encounters · Tagged , , , , , ,

I love my instincts. They know exactly what I need.

So I went to my normal event that I do every month and this time I dressed up and was pretty and wore necklaces and stuff. It was a really good meditation on letting go of things.

I really really really need to let go of some anger and similar issues, especially toward my exhubby. I don’t want him affecting my life on this core emotional level anymore.

He needs to be “Someone I used to know” but I know that song is overplayed, soIi chose “Poison and Wine” by the Civil Wars.

I’ll get to the chocolate.

He actually showed up this month, with the girlfriend in tow. She was wearing his sweatshirt. The same one I used to wear.

He tried to be very casual with his approach to me, but I didn’t care. I went all defensive and junk. I don’t make eyecontact, my sentences are short and i only tell him what he needs to know. Which y the way is absolute jack.

Anywho– I took a more in charge roll and made sure he knew it.

We had the meditation and I could barely pay attention because I was focused on letting go of all this anger.

But then he had the audacity to try to talk to me again so I hid in my coat, yeah because that’s the mature thing to do.

HE’S JUST SO FREAKING TOXIC.

After the meditation, i hid in the kitchen when his girlfriend was trying to get a friend of mine to eat some bked goods she made. I hear the following:

“Mark said they were ‘Interesting’ i wonder what that means!?”
“Oh, well, Interesting can never be good” <– My friend

I then see my friend spit it out when she leaves the room because it’s apparently disgusting.

Betcha he misses my baking ^^

My friend than followed me because I knew I had to tell someone the deal. I needed someone else on my side there at these gatherings so I can feel at home again.

Boy did I pick the right one.

We talked for about 30 min about what happened and why we don’t like certain people. She didn’t like all the people I didn’t like but she didn’t know why. I explained it all too her.

Then we decided to be chocolate buddies at Starbucks after the meeting.

Yes Horseface and my exhubby were there, and once again.. he just WANTED TO TALK TO ME. So, I had some things to get off my chest.

He didn’t tell me his mother died. I told him he didn’t tell me. He didn’t even realize I wasn’t his Facebook friend anymore so he assumed I knew. As you ALLLLLL know, I removed him in August ^^ His incompetence and lack of observation and plain stupidity showed he hasn’t learned shit in the year we’ve been apart. That just shows how far positive I am.

My friend was appalled too…she knows to stay away from him and to make sure he stays away from me.

And we are now officially chocolate buddies.

I did let go of some anger, because his incompetence just shows how much he is gonna be beaten by it someday. I must rise above.

I think I’m angry at myself for letting myself be poisoned like that.

But it’s okay. He can’t hurt me. I’m safe. I’m happy. And he’s a moron, and that makes some visceral need satisfied.

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What a Difference A Year Makes

November 5, 2012 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , , , ,

My Birthday is today. I turn 26 years old. This time last year I was in such an awful place.

I’m so much better off and I couldn’t have done it without much support.
I’ll be back to edit this post a bit with some more reflection. Bookmark it. It will be worth it.

THIS IS THE NEW POST STARTING HERE:

While I was in the eye doctor’s with my mother, I wrote 2 pages to post here. Honestly, it is negative junk and  I want a redo. So I’m giving myself a redo. I am allowed.

This time last year I was beginning the hardest time of my life. My birthday last year was awful!  I spent it on the couch recovering from the worst cold I’ve ever had and watching bad movies with my husband. I had to cook my own dinner and ended up at his parent’s house. I turned 25 and I wanted to go out and have fun and all that… But no.. I didn’t know we were broke, but that still didn’t explain the 3 dozen roses on the kitchen table.

After 3 years of dating he should have known I hate getting flowers. I hate flowers in a vase because they deserve to be outside and living, not inside dying with me.

Fast foward a year later, and I’m at a football game watching my team win. I’m on the road having a ball!

I’m pretty fine with my current situation, though I wish things would happen faster.

25 was bloody awful. Here’s to 26, and I’m gonna do everything I can to make it great!

 

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A Moment of Uselessness One Year Later

September 27, 2012 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , ,

WTF EYE!!!! WHY DO YOU FAIL ME WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST!?

I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t been having the best few days, but I guess it could be worse.

Think of it like damage leaking through.  I haven’t had any more flashbacks per say, but I’ve been having odd psych out moments.

And nothing freaks me out like feeling useless.

It has almost been 1 full year, 1 solid year since the seeds of doubt were sown. Something was not right at the  very beginning of October last year, and I took that doubt and proved it right by December.

For some medically unknown reason, I have episodes where my eye decides it is a good time to not work. Most of the time it is preventable and I have special drops and things to make sure it is taken care of.

Today I had one of my “useless” days where I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t see and my entire eye was irritated and in pain. I was very upset because of how much I had on my plate today.

My mom ended up taking me to the eye doctor where he said that this case was not as serious as the one I had last year.

And then it hit me.

Last year, on October 1st, I woke up to such an awful pain and spasm in my eye I was freaked out beyond belief. I went in and took a shower to rinse my eye, but nothing worked.   My husband went to work, told me I would be fine. The same pain/spasm feeling shot through my eye and I was officially freaked out.  I had had a similar experience on a lesser scale that February, so I used the drops from that incident and gave myself an eye infection because they had expired.

My husband, seeing how pitiful I was, drove me to the doctor and took off 1/2 day of work. I was told what went wrong and how I could deal with it, and a prescription to help heal it.

I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t go to class. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and stare at non electronic things.

But I waited for him to bring me home my prescription.

“Honey did you bring me home my prescription?”
“Nope! Sorry, I forgot.”

Day number 2, slightly feeling better…

“Honey did you bring me home my prescription?”
“Nope! Sorry, I forgot.”

Day number 3, feeling better and very pissed.

“Honey did you….”
“NO! Can’t you go get it yourself!?”

Never once did it occur to him to go get it after he got home from work. Never did it occur to him to take care of me. He also demanded I cook dinner each night as well.

He later confessed he didn’t have the money.  He’d spent it all. It was a 7 dollar prescription.

Can you imagine how infuriated I was? I wasn’t at all… It seemed perfectly natural for me to just get better and get it myself.

But now… It is so clear to me.

I’ve been trying for 8 months now to own my responsibility in letting my marriage fail. But it wasn’t all my fault.  I was passive. I was a walking mat.

So when I woke up with a useless eye, I mourned a little bit. But things had become full circle.

It wasn’t me. I wasn’t the useless one.

I was rendered useless by neglect.

That is something I can own, and I will not let it happen again.

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Relationship War Flashbacks and Other Oddities…

September 23, 2012 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Flowers. Because they help.

So there I was standing in the grocery store agonizing over a vegetable tray. I swore up and down that I could not leave the store without one, because one of my friends cannot eat anything but vegetables. But I went up and down the chip aisle getting a variety of options.  But something was elusive to my thought process.

Who wanted the veggie tray?

I listed all 4 of my close friends’ food preferences and none of them included a veggie tray.

Somewhere in the soda aisle it hit me. It wasn’t one of my friends. It was the girl’s that my husband messed around with.

Like a war flashback I remembered it all. The one time she came to a wrestling party where I was there, and I had lots of snack foods, but she didn’t eat a thing. She was 5’2″ and a size 0, a very tiny person. When asked, she said she only eats veggies as snacks. I ended up giving her an applesauce.

Then I remembered other things…my suspect that my husband was flirting, the random coaxing from other friends to get her to eat, and all the attention she could get.

I ignored it because I was blind and safely MARRIED.

This is my state of mind every once in awhile… I will have war flashbacks of some random memory that I think is true about my current life! And then I have to be reminded that he’s not there, I’m not suffering, and everything is okay.

But it feels traumatic nonetheless.  It’s almost like I suppressed all the memories so deep they leak out when the dam cracks. Just like the Red Tunic Incident.

It drives me crazy but after a little bit I’m okay. I recovered from the veggie tray incident once I had to pick up my dinner. It was Japanese and Japanese food makes everything right.

In other odd behavior–

  1. I’ve been living so deep in my mind my daydreams are starting to affect my real life. I had written some of these thoughts on paper but I cannot find the paper. Mainly it has to do with blurring reality and fantasy, where I will start doing some things in response to things I’ve dreamed up. Like I role played in my head what would happen if a classmate asked me something in particular. The classmate asked me something completely different, but the answer I gave him was the same one I rehearsed. How awkward. The reason why I rehearse is because of all the social anxieties I have. I want to be prepared if other people talk to me, and going over scenarios is a way for me to handle it.
  2. I ate lunch outside of my internship on Thursday and did not notice that I could not get back into the building. But it had been so refreshing that I was able to eat outside–I hadn’t done that since high school that I can remember, That it didn’t matter. This launched me into my progress about all my anxieties about my internship and how I don’t have many anymore. More on that in another post; especially if I screw up.
  3. My inner slacker has been dominant recently and that has lead to my recent unhappiness and laziness. I took care of that yesterday so I can function properly. Purging of one’s living space can really undo some mental fog. But I had my flashback after. Maybe a clear head isn’t what I need?

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Memories

September 7, 2012 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , ,

I wore a familiar outfit today. I wore a red flowing tunic top and leggings. Unfortunately, I was dragged into a specific set of memories.

I substituted today, and this outfit is one of my regular substituting outfits. I normally work every Friday during the school year, so it made sense for me to wear it. But there is something so poignant in my memory about it.

Every Friday I’d drive home from the school I was at and collapse on the couch. Most of the time I would fall asleep because I was so worn out.

And then my husband would come home.

He’d wake me up with a hug or a kiss and we’d go to our favorite Japanese restaurant. If I managed to stay awake, I’d wait by the window looking for him and then wait for him to pull up, hop in, and off we’d go.

I never missed that until today.

I don’t miss him, but I miss that whole routine. Now I drive home, (or maybe run errands), and collapse on my bed making sure I am not disturbed until dinner time.

Today was the first day I’d missed my old life.

I could almost feel the cold blue leather stick to my skin, I could almost feel him gently waking me up.

Does this red tunic have to go? Or maybe I can use it and make a new memory. But is the memory so entrenched that it cannot be saved?

I really wasn’t expecting this today.

But now all I want to curl up into a ball and remember what it was like to be loved.

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The Meaning of Being Single

September 2, 2012 · Filed under Reel World Observations · Tagged , , , , , ,

The lone frog sitting on my old apartment windowsill…

I guess it is a good thing really. For the first time since the separation, I’ve actually felt lonely.

Like truly lonely.  As in looking for some intimacy, not necessarily physical but just a certain type of emotional connection to know that you matter.

I’ve been doing massive recovery. I’ve been healing left and right and I can finally say I’m not bitter anymore. But when a broken heart is fixed, all it wants to do is to love again. It wants to attach itself to whatever it can find because it is doing its job PROPERLY. It wants to feel everything it can possibly know because it is functional.

This is the point where you go from being brokenhearted to “single” and I believe that is where I am now.

Being single doesn’t mean “by yourself.” I’m fine by myself, and some of the time I prefer it. I’m a very independent person. I’m an only child and I learned to play alone. I can always be by myself.

Being single IS a relationship status. It’s even on your taxes.

After a breakup, it’s that delicate point where you don’t hurt anymore. It is when you notice you’ve gotten back to normal and you don’t have any strong emotions for that other person anymore. Whether it is love or hate, you just have moved on.

That is where I am. I’m more than fine, I’m happy! I’m ecstatic! I have only had this level self esteem once before, and it was the happiest time of my life!

Too bad I am a horrible single person according to my own definition. Being single to me, means “without reciprocated romantic love.”

I am a horrible single person. I am a horrible person to be left to my own thoughts. I am a horrible person to not have anyone to care for. Being single makes me a horrible person.

Let me explain.

Since I did not date in high school, I was exposed to OTHERS dating. All my crushes were the complete opposite of me. No one barely asked me to dance at dances I went to. It made me an awful, bitter person that wrote bitter poetry. It seemed like so many people were getting this experience, and I was being forced to wait.

I’m not a good waiter either. I can literally spend hours at the DMV without being bored or uncomfortable. But when love, a career, answers, fulfillment, or any of that larger stuff that we are FORCED to be patient for, I’m an awful waiter.

In college I had had enough of waiting so I settled….A LOT. I settled for every single boyfriend I had. I was finally getting attention and I didn’t care who it was from.  That’s another thing, like a typical only child I LOVE attention. I wouldn’t do really stupid things to get attention, but I have my ways of seeking it out. This again, makes me a horrible person. When I don’t get attention, I get very competitive and arrogant, and many other negative traits.

I become that bulldog that doesn’t need anyone because obviously, NO ONE NEEDS ME. [As false as this may be, this is my logic and feelings on the matter.] This attitude is very, very dangerous.

I know my patterns. I get upset a lot and real sensitive when it comes to matters like these. I can’t watch romantic movies without wishing or pining for someone…. I know there is a void.

Is this time different from every other time?

I’ve got to answer yes to that question. I have to know that I’m a strong and kind person that needs to remain soft in order to attract who I want. This time I’M NOT SETTLING. If I want something/someone, I will get it. I will be happy instead of bitter when I see people I care about be happy in relationships. This time, I will be patient and wait for happiness.

That whole paragraph is the hardest thing I have to do now. I’m easily bitter, I’m easily jealous, I’m easily impatient, restless and just plain spoiled.

Because I’ve been waiting for so long and it still hasn’t gotten here.  I fear that I’ll be dead before I get there. When people in their 30s and 40s that are STILL WAITING for it, that doesn’t give me much time or hope.

There are certain things I want out of life and I’ve wasted 3 years. I feel like I don’t have much time. Whether or not that is true is a whole different story.

Or maybe happiness and love is all just temporary and there is no fated meeting for me. Just whatever is good NOW.

But really, undoing all that logic might be my lifelong lesson.

Until then, there are video games, books, and learning.

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