I love that song and yes, it applies.
A long time ago, I vowed to never work in a cubicle. I felt that the mundane nature of office life would break my soul and drown it in paperwork at the bottom of desk drawers.
Well I have been forced to break my vow with this internship. If It weren’t for my commutes I would have no daydreams at all and very little energy when I got home. That would kill me. I need my daydreams.
I have to wonder though. Did I actually make an energetic or binding vow when I told myself I wouldn’t succumb to that life? My intent was to not work in a business environment because there is very little meaning in that for me. But since I have never actually worked in a cubicle did I stunt my success? Is that the reason I never amounted to anything when i wasn’t in school? Is this internship strong enough to break my self fulfilling prophecy?
I had a horrible day yesterday. I was fighting depression as soon as I woke up in the morning, but things escalated when i found out I had done my first big project WRONG. I had researched, created models and layouts, and I had spent 3 weeks doing nothing but failing! This had been my consistent record in this internship so far. Everything was wrong or not the way they wanted it. I just didn’t feel like I wasn’t cut out for this and I wanted to cry so hard. What on earth was keeping me from doing this right? Was I really not meant to be in an office?
Then during my afternoon break, I was invited by Peanut Butter over to his house to hang out. He too is going through a quarter life crisis. I was only too happy to go since I knew if I just went home I’d cry for a long time. Plus I hadn’t gotten out of the house for awhile.
So the entire crew showed up plus PB’s partner on a project. Beautiful! A Tuesday night impromptu get together where we could relax and have some fun. I had to leave early because of my schedule but the work was worth it.
It was so ironic that after a discussion of PB’s quarter life crisis that we played the actual game of Life. I actually won because I had the most life tiles. It was fun to have an oasis like this during the week. I need more socialization.
I gave PB the answer to his crisis via a fortune from a fortune cookie, “Every man is the architect of his own fortune.” That is something I will remember but it is not my answer. My crisis is looming.
It’s not my career I am worried about. I have one year to worry about that. My crisis is social. How will I make new friends? Have relationships? Grow creatively? Build my inner life?
I have no answers, only desires. I play with them when I daydream on my commutes. That’s when I truly enjoy life. I just want to make it my life so badly.
reesubmerged 
Anonymous said,
June 15, 2012 @ 8:47 pm
I am so with you in all of this. I can’t say that I mind being a cubicle monkey because if you are the only person in the cubicle you do get time to think and whatever you would like to do. But I just wonder if I am doing the right thing with my life. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time and education, and for having no confidence in what I’m doing it astounds me. And I don’t think I have always had this problem which confuses me further. I would just love to have some guidance and get the confidence back that I had at one point. And I would love to feel like I had my life back on track the way I had envisioned it when your little.